Harry Potter and the Order of Senile Old Men
by snebic
Summary: What happens when you add Harry potter and insanity? probably an insane harry potter, but thats besides the point. In this fun family friendly (Warning: Not actually friendly or necessarily a family) romp through Harry Potters life we learn about his friends and what makes a person a real hero.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one: In which there are too many curse words and the Dursley's get their due.

Harry Potter was not happy. Not. At. All. You see, his parents were just killed, again, and, again, he was dropped off at the fucking Dursley's. THE MOTHERFUCKING DURSLEY'S! Harry wondered how the hell Dumbledore could so royally fuck it all up again! At the very least, he had managed to place a sort of calming spell on Sirius's mind and directions to number 4 privet drive. Unless Dumbledore completely fucked up on that front again Harry should be in Majorca by the end of the week. Sadly, Dumbles did fuck it up and Sirius was thrown in Azkaban, Harry wondered why this life in particular always sucked. I mean he had been kings, knights, pharaohs, emperors, in fact he died having a heart attack in the middle of sex with his massive harem in the Egyptian empire, hey, who can blame him, those women needed love, but in every life his luck was either relatively tame or it was fucking marvelous! But nooooo. Fate decided to fuck with Harry so his luck was abysmal in this one life. And lo and behold there, walking down the front steps, was the proof.

Petunia Dursley was unhappy about being woken up at one in the morning, but the doorbell just wouldn't stop ringing, so she got up and went to see what was happening. As Petunia opened the door she looked around before her eyes finally fell on the bundle of cloth at her doorstep. She quickly recognized a baby Harry Potter from the one letter she had opened from her sister. Immediately it dawned on her that her Sister was finally dead! Oh how joyous! The wicked witch was dead! Petunia was about to start dancing when she remembered that she was a prim and proper housewife and would not be caught dead dancing on her front porch. She grabbed baby Harry before taking him into the house. As she shut the door and looked down she gazed into the eyes of Harry and realized that the baby had been silent the entire time, from her experience with Dudley she knew that this was not normal and chalked it up to the bastard's parents. However, as she looked into the eyes of the child she saw a hatred that should have been impossible for such a small thing to muster.

' _Don't ever think of me as small you pathetic wench!"_ Petunia reeled as if struck, looking down at the child she wondered out loud.

"Did he just speak?" Dread dripping in her voice, Petunia looked down and noticed what would have been a malicious grin if it were not on a baby's face.

' _No, in reality I'm the ghost of Freddy Mercury and I have come to tell you that your husband is bent! Of course it's fucking me you mentally handicapped, socially inept, horribly disfigured, no good piece of shit, excuse for humanity!'_ Petunia screamed and dropped Harry before jumping towards the stairs.

' _Oh look at that, YOU CAN'T EVEN HOLD A BABY RIGHT! How are you even a functioning member of society!?'_ As Harry ranted Vernon came down the stairs and witnessed a floating baby tearing his wife a new one. Vernon collected himself and began to speak when the floating baby zoomed in front of him and began shouting at him.

' _You! I know what you plan on doing and so help me Merlin, if you even open that cupboard door while I'm around I will slowly tear off your testicles before making you eat, then shit them, all within a minute! I'm taking the guest room and I expect a bottle of milk promptly at 8! Good night, actually have a horrible night!'_ With those parting remarks baby Harry zoomed off towards the guest room and promptly slammed the door behind him. As soon as he was out of site both Petunia and Vernon fainted.

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7 o'clock the next day both Vernon and Petunia groaned as they woke up at the bottom of the stairs.

"What happened last night Pet?" Vernon asked, rubbing his head.

"I-I-I don't rightly know, one moment I was opening the front door and then I saw my sister's baby… OH MY LORD! WE WERE THREATENED BY A ONE YEAR OLD!" Petunia screamed before fainting yet again. Vernon paled considerably, however he shook Petunia awake and then went to check on the guest room. As he walked in nothing seemed out of the ordinary. After closer inspection though, Vernon found their little… 'Guest' floating around the ceiling. Vernon grabbed the door in an attempt to steady himself before he whispered in and urgent voice.

"Petunia! Get over here now…" Petunia walked in, having just calmed herself down, and saw the baby floating on the ceiling. She shook for a second, screamed, and then fainted yet again. Vernon attempted to remove Harry, but Harry had awoken and Vernon looked like a walrus trying to escape discreetly from an aquarium. It was funny to harry for about .5 seconds before he floated Vernon to eye level.

' _You seem to be under the impression that you still have any power in this house, I'll make this clear. Imagine your worst nightmare, ok, now multiply that by a hundred, you still with me? Ok now take that and times it by the power of 1000 and that is a fraction of the horrors I can inflict upon you! I have lived countless lives, done countless things, and over all of them I have gained hundreds of thousands of ways of torturing, maiming, or just outright killing someone, so try your luck, I dare you.'_

Vernon slowly nodded his head in acceptance before scrambling out of the room with Petunia to get that bloody milk. Vernon may not be the smartest guy in the world, but he knew when a floating, talking, death baby threatened you, you got your ass into motion.

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Harry watched the retreating back of his Uncle before mentally giving himself a gold star for not maiming them horrifically as soon as Petunia had opened the door. Harry slowly spun around the room as he changed things to his liking before he sat on the bed and thought of what he was going to have to do. He looked at his tiny palms and remembered that while he didn't have enough power as a baby to do anything spectacularly over the top he could at least send Sirius some proper food, that way when Harry did get him out he wouldn't look like something the _cat_ dragged in. Harry mentally 'ba-dum-tsh'ed his crappy joke before he began contemplating how he was going to do things this go around.

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Vernon slowly walked back into the room with a bottle of milk and handed it to Harry before he quickly left the room. As he was leaving however he looked back and seeing a baby sitting behind a desk while slowly nursing a bottle of milk like a glass of brandy made Vernon realize that his entire life had just changed.

 **A/N: YOLO! (But not for harry, wink wink!) So, how goes it peeps. It has been forever since I posted a story, and for anybody who is looking at this story and wondering when I'm making the next chapter of the imperial, I'm sorry to say that I'm not sorry and that I realized that story kind of sucked. I might do a rewrite in the future, but for now this is my lovechild with J.K. "Severus and Dumbles are fucking each other" Rowling. Anyway here is a quick backstory with this one, Harry is the Master of Death, and he has essentially been reborn hundreds of times. Harry is OP as fuck, no doubt about it, but this isn't a Sirius story either, so it kind of balances. So anyway, Dumbles, Ron, molly, Snape, and Ginny bashing, I have slowly read more and more fanfiction that has turned me almost completely against Dumbles, but he isn't evil in this fic just slightly senile. So that is the basic gist of this, I plan on making more chapters but if this does completely and utterly flop I'll probably just continue on with sweet, sweet, head cannon. However, if you do want to see where I go with this then leave a review and tell me what you think. Know this! There will almost definitely be no lemons, there will be slight relationships but that won't be the focus, but lemons are a no-no. I tried my hands at lemons once and I'm pretty sure I gave at least a couple hundred people nightmares with that one. If someone wants to write a lemon and let me post it with this story then that might work, but unless my review whore nature rears its ugly head I most likely will not do lemons. Anyway, if you have questions then message me, PEACE OUT!**


	2. Chapter 2

TOSOM Chapter 2: In which Harry goes to school

Harry Potter woke up on the first day of his first school year. It had been five years since Dumbles had drop kicked his ass onto the doorstep of the Dursley family, and in that time Harry had asserted his authority over the household quite nicely. Every morning Petunia would have breakfast ready for everyone, Vernon would nod politely (Though not happily), and Dudley was still fat, stupid, Dudley. Of course the one thing Harry could not stamp out of Petunia was her borderline obsession over her "ickle duddikins". Harry had done everything in his power, but alas, apparently somethings never change. As Harry dressed himself he wondered whether he should go all out and prove that he was the best, or if he should pretend to be "touched". While Harry juggled this thought in his head an entirely different thought process was taking place in the mind of Vernon Dursley.

oOoOo

Vernon Dursley was not happy, not at all. He had lived with that _monster_ for five years now! Five years! And now came the moment of truth where the little terror would no longer be constantly looking over his shoulder and scrutinizing all of his actions. Vernon puffed out his chest, now that the boy was going to be gone for most of the day he would regain control of his house! He would drop the boys off at school, turn right back home and assert HIS dominance! Vernon slowly sat down and began to eat his breakfast, the entire time a smug grin plastered on his face. While Vernon ate Harry quietly came up to the table before plopping himself down across from Vernon. "Don't you go getting any ideas you blubbering pile of human waste!" Harry scolded Vernon, almost as if reading his mind. Vernon paled a little before restoring the calm façade on his face, "I don't know what you're talking about. I am simply thinking about how I'm going to bring my lovely wife a present from that shop downtown she's always talking about. Nothing more, and nothing less." Harry looked at Vernon over the top of his glasses practically saying, _"Reallyyy?"_ Vernon attempted to remain calm, but began to lose face as the brat stared him down. "I'll not be having any of this in my house! You are a guest here and as such you should r~resspect me!" Vernon tried as hard as he could to pretend like the boy wasn't affecting him, but those damn eyes were practically boring into his soul! The boy had not even said a word but already Vernon carefully reconsidered all of his plans, realizing that maybe, just maybe, Harry was not a person to upset. As Harry continued to stare Vernon down he ate his food, his eyes never leaving Vernon's the entire time. Vernon was about to burst into tears and run, or start yelling, he couldn't quite decide which, when he heard the mail flap open up behind him. He let go of breath he didn't realize he was holding in before getting up. "H-how about I go get the mail, hmm?" Vernon quickly finished his breakfast before he practically sprinted, or waddled more rather, to get the mail. _'You know what? Asserting dominance sounds tiring, maybe I'd rather just go and play some golf with the lads, yah! Golf, that's what's important, who cares about dominance anyway!'_

oOoOo

Harry was having a good laugh at Vernon's expense, that fat tub of lard had honestly believed _he_ could reassert dominance and undo all the hard work harry had done of the years? Fat chance! He was Harry Balthazar Orion Alastair Caedmon Oakley Wimble Timble (the third) Black Potter! Albeit, in this life he was only Harry Potter, and he had honestly never been named any of those outlandish names, but he enjoyed the feeling of power he had when he made up the stupid names.

oOoOo

Harry decided quickly that touched or not, he would breeze through class. "Now class, who can tell me what the first letter in the alphabet is!" said the teacher. Cue Dudley, "Is it G?" Harry looked at Dudley, then looked at the teacher, who still had that stupid smile on her face as if she were perfectly reconciled to just go along with whatever the children said. "Very good guess Dudley, but that is not the correct answer. Anyone else?" Dudley looked as if someone had shot his puppy, which was surprising, considering Dudley often did the deed himself. Harry considered for a second before raising his hand, "It's A, you fat dumbass!" The teacher recoiled as if slapped, "Harry! While that is correct, you cannot call your fellow classmate and cousin a d-, a dum-, a -oh! You know what I mean!" Harry did not know what she meant, "Are you referring to my explicit language or the fact that I will not sit here and allow a subpar student to detract from my enjoyment in this class?!" Harry didn't really care, he could probably disintegrate her if he wanted to, but toying with people's minds was so much more fun! The teacher looked flabbergasted, before she took a sip from a container, of what Harry assumed to be water, on her desk. The teacher shook her head before a sort of calmness overtook her. "Harry raise's a valid point students, stupidity is a no-no! and anyone who feels as if they cannot keep up must tell me so that I may laugh and point at them!" The children looked around at each other, bewildered. What had happened to the sweet mild mannered lady that had been teaching class just a moment ago, this was certainly not her! Harry again didn't care, he was beginning to suspect that his teacher may have had something far more potent than water in that cup, and since the dursley's had not kept a bottle of alchohol in the house since he arrived, he was trying to purloin the teacher's glass, he was actually doing quite well since everyone was so busy gawking at the inebriated teacher. "AlrigH *hic* everybody, let's do the alphabet song! A, B, C, D, D, D, E, E, E, C, C, C, B, B, B, A, A, A, A, A… Wha the hell *hic* are you all doing? You're forgetting the letter 4! You're all wrong!" By this point in time Harry had used some magic to make her even more drunk and so instead of a responsible adult, they had a drunk ass teacher who was trying to use one of the kindergartners as a pillow to fall asleep on. Needless to say, Chaos now ruled supreme within the class. That is if you call Harry with a bottle of alcohol "Chaos" which, being completely honest, is a fairly good assessment of the situation.

oOoOo

Harry came back from his first day of school completely inebriated and utterly uncaring about decency. Little known fact, but 200,000 years worth of building up alcohol resistance apparently does not carry over when you are reborn as a baby version of yourself, who knew? Anyway, as Harry stumbled home he had an arm slung over his cousins shoulder and was making a speech worthy of the ages, "Ya' know Dudders, you're my *belch* bestestest frend! What would I be *hic* doing withoutcha?" Dudley was understandably scared and was simply nodding and smiling at what he believed to be the right locations to smile and nod. And so that was how Petunia saw the two boys when she opened the doors. She screamed, loudly (obviously), before trying to hit Harry with a conveniently placed broom. However, Harry was having none of that and so he used some magic to silence her, which in turn caused Petunia to try and scream so much that she passed out from a lack of oxygen. Harry was witnessing all of this from behind the heavy veil of drunkenness, and so completely disregarded the fact that Dudley, his "favorite drinking buddy!" had wandered off, and that petunia, the horse faced bitch, had passed out. So with the lovely bliss of ignorance, Harry stumbled to his room before passing out on his bed, his last thought, _"oh I'm so going to wreck shit up!"_

AN: Peace out bitches, don't expect frequent updates, this story is really only written when I'm really tired, and feeling like I might actually be funny, soooo… ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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